31 August 2008

Review of Traitor (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• People who like their thrillers with complicated back stories and twists that cause you to really think about and question your own ideals and sense of morality
• Saïd Taghmaoui and Neal McDonough fans
• Chicagoans who like to see their city on film no matter the plot
• Fans of Guy Pearce doing an American English accent in films
• People who've just been having too much fun this summer and need to take it down a notch before the seriousness of the Fall sets in

• People who are tired of seeing every thriller these days feature terrorist plots by people of Middle Eastern descent
• Fans of Don Cheadle in Reign Over Me or Talk to Me
• Those easily confused by intricate plot points or who fall asleep often during the good parts of a movie
• People who hope for a leading role for Archie Panjabi
• People offended by the incessant use of people of Middle Eastern descent as the new and most sinister of villains in geopolitical thrillers
• People who cannot tell the difference between fictional thrillers and actual historical fact


30 August 2008

Review of The House Bunny (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• Diehard Anna Faris fans
• People who were always sure that Katherine McPhee was headed for stardom no matter what Simon said
• Current Playboy Bunnies who want tips on how to break into the life of being a House Mother
• People who thought the remake of the famous Marilyn Monroe over the air grate scene shown in the preview was the funniest thing they've ever seen in their entire lives
• Curious folks who've been wondering what the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore might look like now that she's all grown up
• Those who don't mind a film where mean girls are mean to nice girls who then become mean girls who are mean to other nice girls only to realize the hard way when the original mean girls are even meaner to the newly mean girls that they preferred being nice girls even if being nice girls means not getting a boyfriend
• People who don't watch ABC Family's "Greek", never saw National Lampoon's Animal House or Van Wilder, and missed out on Sydney White

• Fans of Colin Hanks
• Both gender's rights activists
• Fans of Playboy Magazine who didn't know the magazine is sometimes known for classy pieces of investigative reporting
• Men who have been hoping to keep quiet the news that they secretly might enjoy the playground torture known affectionately, albeit vulgarly, as the "titty twister"
• Fans of She's the Man who thought the same writers might hit a second homerun
• People who like their plots to be thicker than the eyebrows of the female cast
• Those who get instantly queasy at the site of chewed gum on the bottom of a restaurant table
• People longing for a Sydney White sequel

26 August 2008

Review of Hamlet 2 (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• People who were not offended by South Park: The Movie and / or did not see South Park: The Movie exclusively because they hoped it would be offensive to everyone else.
• Fans of Steve Coogan
• Fans of musical theater and musicals as long as they don't meet any of the "who shouldn't see" criteria listed below
• People who are a bit fed up with the preaching, televangelist religious right in the USA
• People with lots of skeletons in their closet and don't mind adding a few more by putting "have seen Hamlet 2" on their list of transgressions against humanity
• People who have fantasized for 30 years about seeing Elizabeth Shue in a nurse's outfit
• People who are going to be ok when they find out that Hamlet 2 isn't really a sequel to "Hamlet"
• People who listen to "Rush Limbaugh" and "Sean Hannity" and "Glenn Beck" late at night to keep their blood pressure high so as not to fall asleep while driving and not because they agree with anything that spews out of their mouths
• People who don't get lost in a play within a play

• Fans of Catherine Keener
• Fans hoping this will revitalize Elizabeth Shue's career like Being John Malkovich revived the career of John Malkovich.
• People who are never, ever, not even after until Hell freezes over, going to think there is anything funny and not sinful about a song called "Rock Me Sexy Jesus"…and especially people who think this way and don't want to have the blasted song stuck in their heads for the next 3 straight days
• People who feel adultery is too sinful to sit through
• People who don't want to forgive and forget their past
• People who aren't looking for a little let alone a lot of catharsis in their lives
• People easily offended or ones who don't buy the commonly utilized "it's not offensive if you offend everyone" excuse for offensiveness
• Fans who are hoping to hear David Arquette do his thing and / or people who have recently brought in a handsome, younger boarder to offset the high cost of rent and have been leaving him at home alone for hours on end with their lonely, gravid spouse
• People who don't get any of the following SAT terms: satire, irony, or parody or that know them but don't want to see a movie that uses almost nothing else
• People who really do want to see a sequel to "Hamlet"

23 August 2008

Review of Death Race (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• Fans of Jason Statham and his typical action movies
• Junkies for high octane, adrenalin-fueled video games
• People who can never get enough of Tyrese Gibson behind the wheel
• Aficionados of a little bit of entertainment called Demolition Derby – only in this version the drivers just might not survive
• People who've never seen Joan Allen play a malevolent, soulless witch, but want to
• Anyone who's ever wondered if their video games are rigged against them
• People who care less about the depth of the plot and the characters and more about the action and suspense
• People who have thought that the summer of 2008 lacked a big budget action film like last year's Die Hard 4 and were hoping that somehow their prayers would be answered by Death Race

• People who think a Jason Statham film without any kick boxing moves is just not a true Jason Statham film
• People who would be offended by jokes about the sexual orientation of Tyrese Gibson's character Machine Gun Joe—the only driver in the Death Race that has a male navigator instead of the female prisoners like everybody else
• People who think Hawai'ian shirts are best sported by tourists who proudly claim their AARP® membership
• Anyone who thinks Ian McShane and Joan Allen belong in Woody Allen films only
• Obviously, people who are the teeniest bit squeamish or dislike violence and death in film
• Moviegoers who prefer their plot and characters to be thicker than mountain dew on a melon on a nice morning in May

22 August 2008

Review of The Rocker (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• Fans of "The Office" and specifically (Rainn Wilson?)
• Clevelanders
• People who love teen angst hyped up on Monster® energy drinks
• People who don't know what the expression "revenge is a dish best served cold" means
• People who live vicariously through the lives of others
• People who think opportunity only knocks twice
• Adoring fans of Teddy Geiger
• Fans who think Christina Applegate's got milf!

• People offended by naked drummers, or more pointedly, aged stars of "The Office" drumming naked
• People who don't believe you can ever go back
• People still upset that the Rock-'n-Roll Hall of Fame is in Cleveland
• People who think revenge is a dish best served cold
• People who gave up on their dream, became a copy machine salesperson, and never long for all they feel they gave up or left behind--no need to rub more salt in your misery
• People who didn't appreciate the Hugh Grant / Drew Barrymore film, Music & Lyrics
• Fans of Vesuvius

Songs from Teddy Geiger and The Rocker

21 August 2008

Review of Henry Poole is Here (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• People who have lost faith in movies
• Fans of Luke Wilson
• People who loved Lars and the Real Girl
• Fans of independent films that make a difference in your life by the time the final credits roll
• People who prefer a simple film that touches you without the need for elaborate special effects. This is a story that can have a profound impact on you without you even realizing it.
• People of all religious faiths

• Cynics
• People who mistake faith for furniture
• People with no heart or soul
• People hoping for dumb comedy and gross out moments
• People who think a diet of donuts and cheap wine is irresponsible
• People who don't like sad films that take a long, long time before there's any happiness
• People who think they know better

19 August 2008

Review of Mirrors (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• Paula Patton fans
• People who can read the backwards lettering on emergency vehicles without a mirror
• People who don't mind if the movie's ending is "left up to your own interpretation" or setting up for a sequel that will probably be straight to DVD
• Fans of great mirror special effects
• Fans of graphic and needlessly horrific, human death scenes
• Fans of wooden, soulless characters made more wooden and soulless by painful portrayls of actors on hiatus from their 24-hour TV show
• Growing legions of Alexandre Aja fans and who loved his film, P2.
• People who saw Stephen King's The Shining and figured out that "redrum" was more than a psychotic slogan of a possessed child.

• People who fear their own reflection
• People who believe that mirrors are windows to our soul
• Kieffer Sutherland fans that prefer to see him in 24-hour increments
• People who like their film endings all wrapped up with a bow
• Squeamish people
• People who expect their money spent on a ticket be reflected in the quality of the film
• People who believe that if you break a mirror you get 7 years of bad luck
• People who would like to have their fond remembrance of actress, Mary Beth Peil as Evelyn 'Grams' Ryan on "Dawson's Creek" stay intact
• People who cannot get through a movie without movie snacks

16 August 2008

Review of Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• People who fear their own end if their Yoda-speak quota they do not soon fill
• Anyone who was confused how the story arc from Star Wars: The Attack of the Clones got to Star Wars: The Revenge of the Sith—if this film helps, then so be it
• Fans of the Lego® Star Wars games
• Fans of Matt Lanter's voice—forget that whole over-rated eye candy thing of this former star of "Manhunt: The Search for America's Most Gorgeous Male Model"
• People who doubted there were great female Jedi Knights
• Fans of technically great CGI animated films and whom can overlook the lack of a great story as long as the animation rocks
• People who preferred the humorless scenes of the Star Wars saga
• Star Wars fans who don't like Ewoks or Wookies farther than you could throw one
• People who always wondered what a baby Hutt looks like and won't be sickened to their stomach when they discover it's rather like something Jabba might have produced while sneezing
• People who thought the cut-up cadence of Ewan McGregor's take on Obi-Wan Kenobi added to his hipster status and want to hear it replicated perfectly by James Arnold Taylor

• People without spare income
• People without spare brain cells
• People who are hoping to get a glimpse into episodes 7, 8, and 9
• Fans of Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, and Ewan McGregor
• People who've not had a nap
• People who expect a Star Wars movie that has a good story like episodes 4, 5, and 6
• People outraged by Star Wars characters that seem to be stereotyped archetypes of humans of various cultural, regional, or religious backgrounds—this time around it's Ziro the Hutt with a Cajun Truman Capote accent and glow-in-the-dark tattoos.
• Fans of the special cameos like appearances of the E.T. family in the Senate chamber—there might be some in this film, but staying awake to notice them's not easy.
• People who already bought all the Star Wars: The Clone Wars action figures—any story you might make up yourself to play out at home is probably going to be better than this one.

15 August 2008

Review of Tropic Thunder (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• People who get that satire is a higher form of art than inane, gross out comedy—which may not be art at all.
• People who don't mind spending some time thinking about a film when it's over…for a long time.
• People who respect actors who are trying to push themselves as actors to new and possibly controversial heights.
• Critics who still cannot believe that Robert Downey Jr. is for real.
• People who can stomach a movie that is Rated R for a reason.
• People who judge a movie before they see it.
• People who like their comedy, but not just for comedy's sake.
• People who love Ben Stiller bu who hated his last movie, The Heartbreak Kid.
• People willing to give Jack Black a new look after his wonderful performance as the cuddly panda hero Po in Kung Fu Panda.
• Fans of Jay Baruchel
• People who want to see Tom Cruise cut loose—this is probably the most fun he's ever had in a role in his life (well, other than maybe when he got to go all Risky Business on Rebecca De Mornay).

• People who think being politically correct is over-rated.
• People who cannot figure out the difference between an actor playing an actor who is unsophisticated, and the actor himself being unsophisticated.
• People who post in daily at iMDB calling for Dodgeball 2 to be made.
• People who think or thought blackface is or was funny.
• Warmongers
• People who enjoyed Snakes on a Plane
• Lightweight Stiller fans hoping for another Zoolander or Night at the Museum.
• Tobey Maguire fans—he's in it for 10 seconds.
• Steve Coogan fans—kind of the same reason as Tobey Maguire fans.
• People who don't want to know there might be something about Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson).

09 August 2008

Review of Pineapple Express (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• People who think certain plants from which hemp is derived should be legalized for other purposes and whom are unclear why the rest of the country doesn't agree with them.
• People who have cleaned their lint traps, replaced their automatic toilet bowl cleaner, tested all the batteries in their smoke detectors, backed up their computer's hard drive, written thank you notes for last year's birthday presents, checked the air pressure in all four tires, over-nighted at the home of their in-laws to watch their home videos of their trips to the Spam® Museum, gotten their routine teeth cleaning, and scraped all the wax off the wax cups they've been collecting from McDonald's® over the past six months to make a candle.
• People who think steam rising off the Mojave Desert is pure, adrenalin-fueled excitement.
• People who've been looking for reasons to cancel their Judd Apatow Fan Club membership to make room in the budget to join the Hot Tamale Train for Michael Aguilar.

• Erudite people who expect movies to have a coherent plot, great acting, some relevance to the human condition, you know, things that generally make a movie good.
• People who think James Franco is on the fast track to being the James Dean that, most tragically, James Dean didn't live to become.
• Seth Rogen fans.
• People under 18.
• People who believe the hype that this is Dazed and Confused for a whole new generation.
• People who think Danny R. McBride is funnier than Rob Corddry.
• People who think Pineapple Express sounds like a delightful faux cocktail similar to a Shirley Temple or an Arnold Palmer.
• People looking to see a really funny comedy rather than a running gag that's been on "SNL" about 10 months too long.
• People who get uncomfortable in small, confined places.
• People who, under no circumstances, will ever walk out of a movie for any reason short of a power failure.
• People who would be very grossed out by seeing Seth Rogen playing a character who looks and acts 30ish dating a character played by Amber Heard who looks and acts 17.

07 August 2008

Review of Swing Vote (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• People who gave up on Kevin Costner just after Water World.
• Democrats who have no sense of humor.
• All political campaign managers.
• USA voters who've lost faith in the process—see this movie and believe again.
• New Mexicans
• Paula Patton fans.
• Independents…time to get off the fence, make a choice, and make a difference—every vote counts.

• Republicans who have no sense of humor.
• Fans of Abigail Breslin.
• Fans of reality tv that can no longer separate fact from fiction.
• Coloradoans who don't want to find out what they're missing because their state legislature will not endorse legislation favorable to the film industry that would make Colorado a desirable place to film movies funneling millions into the local economy…like neighboring state, New Mexico.
• People with a squeamish stomach and cannot stand the sight of baiting a hook with a live worm.
• People who cannot picture Kevin Costner portray an egg-factory worker, slow, irresponsible, beer-drinking dad.

Review of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

• Fans of the Brendan Fraser Mummy franchise.
• Fans of epic action adventures that go full throttle almost to excess. Seriously, imagine going to Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio and riding every roller coaster back-to-back with barely a moment in between to catch your breath?
• People who prefer an action movie without aliens.
• People glad to amp up on their Chinese lore just before the 08•08•08 Olympics in Beijing.
• Michelle Yeoh fans.
• Fans of outstanding CGI effects and some of the greatest character battle scenes since LOTR.
• People not bothered by yak yack.
• Colorado Avalanche Ice Hockey fans… there's no hockey, but there's an avalanche and lots of really cool Yeti.

• People who loathe sequels.
• People who loathe sequels made so long after the original films they've completely forgotten who's who and wouldn't even notice a new actress is playing a leading role in the film.
• Fans of Maria Bello…egad…and Rachel Weisz (she's not in it).
• People who don't like monster films, in particular mummy films.
• People who picketed, marched, and protested about critics being too hard on Indiana Jones 4.
• People who don't like American actresses doing English accents badly. How do the English say "truer" anyway?
• People bothered by excessive cheesiness in dialogue and plot.
• Jet Li Fans who still cannot accept that he did his last martial arts film a few years ago.
• People who wish Brendan Fraser would return to his 'sensitive' roles rather than these action hero roles.

03 August 2008

Review of Step Brothers (2008)

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DVD Release Date: 2 December 2008 (click date to purchase or pre-order)

• Fans who don't think Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly can do anything wrong when it comes to comedy.
• Fans who see EVERY movie touched even remotely by the Apatow name no matter how Superbad the movie.
• People who had a good or bad step-brother experience.
• People who think Chewbacca masks, night vision goggles, and cross bows are the toys of kings.
• Fans of Adam Scott—he's excellent when he's smarmy, and there's a scene of him and his family on the way to see mom and new step-dad involving singing in the car as a family that's possibly funnier in some ways than the rest of the movie.
• People not annoyed when over 3/4 of the funny parts of a movie are revealed in the trailer they've now seen 500 times.
• People who think it's an adventure of a lifetime to see a couple of 40-year old oafs beaten up by school kids and later exact their revenge via a helicopter and a merry-go-round punch-out scene.
• People who would find Will Ferrell dangling his tongue in doggy-doo-doo side-splitting, funny-bone tingling, tickle-pickle on a stick deep fat fried at the Minnesota State Fair good old-fashioned entertainment.

• People weary of seeing aged, physically unfit actors rushing around in their tighty-whities on screen for laughs.
• People who loved Superbad—this movie is sort of like Superbad with grown-ups who participate in teen-age hi-jinx, but without McLovvin' and other such things like bashing police officers and gallons of Tide® detergent to really make this film something to which teens can relate. There is however, lots of use of profanity and a requisite puking scene. This film is for the decidedly older crowd, punks! Go cry to your mommy.
• Fans of Mary Steenburgen—not sure if that is a spray-on tan or what, but one of Hollywood's most unsung, great actresses (see Time After Time) looks like she's been dipped in a Starbucks® Caramel Latte and then left out under the Malibu sun to dry. Meanwhile her performance is…what it is.
• People who respect the arts of drumming and opera.
• People who prefer not to hear the 'F'-Word used as every part of speech and over 50 times an hour.