Review of The X-Files: I Want to Believe (2008)

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review • spoiler • premiere photos • film's website • trailer
DVD Release Date: 2 December 2008 (click date to purchase or pre-order)

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• "X-Files" fanatics. • "X-Files" fans who've been longing to see Mulder and Sculley under covers. • "X-Files" fans who've missed the cool signature theme song by Mark Snow so much that they find themselves going "Dewt-Déwt-Dewt-Déwt-Déwt-Dew-Dew" anytime anything remotely eerie happens to them. Followed by a "Bah-Báh-Bah-Báh-Báh-Bah-Bah" and "Déét-Déet-Deét-Deet-Deet-DEET-DEE". • People hoping for a Skinner (Mitch Pileggi) cameo. • "X-Files" fans who've gone so long without hearing Sculley say "Mul-der" and Mulder say "Scul-ley" they've also actually forgotten the characters do have first names respectively Dana and Fox. And any good "X-Files" conspiracy theorist will tell you that naming him Fox was the fledgling networks way of plugging its name 50,000 times an episode. • People duped into buying "The X-Files: Revelations—an essential guide to the X-Files Movie" DVD. This set of 8 self-proclaimed "critical episodes handpicked by the creator" to prepare you for the film if it's been too long since you've seen an episode of the "X-Files". You may as well use the Movie Money inside to subsidize your ticket to the tune of a max of $8.50 (better see the matinee if you want to make out ahead on this deal).

• People who do not think sensationalizing and making jokes about unsettling abuse charges and convictions against Catholic Priests is entertainment. • "X-Files" fans who prefer the alien-government-conspiracy-theory-style shows. • People who didn't care for the lower budget horror film, Turistas. • People hoping for a Lone Gunmen or Smoking man cameo. • People duped into buying "The X-Files: Revelations—an essential guide to the X-Files Movie" DVD. This set of 8 self-proclaimed "critical episodes handpicked by the creator" to prepare you for the film if it's been too long since you've seen an episode of the "X-Files". Unfortunately, you would realize after seeing the film, how much better the show was than either of the movies, but especially this movie. Plus, it's a heck of a lot more fun to see the crazy hair styles of the stars and the Smoking Man back in the very first, pilot episode (air date 10 September 1993 – apologies if that makes you feel ancient) of the "X-Files" which is included in this set of 8 excellent episodes. • Fans of Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly, and/or Xzibit (aka Alvin Joiner). Why? Here are their character names respectively which probably explains it all: ASAC Dakota Whitney, Father Joseph Crissman, and seriously Agent Mosley Drummy. Maybe if you put these names in a Sodoku box and advance each letter once for every time Sculley throws up her arms in angst over Mulder's irresponsibility in the film, they spell out the T-H-E-T-R-U-T-H-I-S-Y-O-U-G-O-T-R-O-B-B-E-D. "Déét-Déet-Deét-Deet-Deet-DEET-DEE".

Review of Space Chimps (2008)

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DVD Release Date: 25 November 2008 (click date to purchase or pre-order)

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• Fans of simians who can forgive their misidentification. • People looking for a new story in the animated world rather than sitting through the remake of another timeless fairytale. • Fans of Andy Samberg. • People who like clever or cheesy puns. • Parents and guardians looking for an animated film with good morals and values for their kids to watch and learn from. • People who believe that we all need to learn from and be conscious of our actions and their consequences as we interact with not just our own planet but those others we find in space. • Animal rights activists and members of PETA.

• People who think all animated films have to be funny with lots of flatulent jokes. • People who take their kids to see an animated film and then proceed to talk on their cell phone throughout the entire movie not even making a veiled attempt to adopt an inside voice! • Grown-ups expecting this to be full of inside jokes just for them. • People who like the bad guys to win in the end. • People who don't like happy endings. • GOPers who cannot take a good parody. • People hoping to find Disney-Pixar® quality animation. [note: the animation isn't bad, it's just not 100% superstar quality, and that's ok.] • People who think animals are just dumb beast of burden at the disposal of human beings.

Review of Mamma Mia! (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

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• Fans of Amanda Seyfried, Julie Walters, and Christine Baranski. • Fans of tall shoes and disco. • Fans of a shirtless Dominic Cooper. • Fans of frolicking on tiny Greek Islands. • People who can forgive a 10-year math mistake. • People who believe it's never too late to find your one true love. • People willing and able to suspend disbelief for long enough to have their soul searched and their heart embraced.

• People who don't like musicals. • People who don't like stage musicals turned into movie musicals. • People who don't like to see famous actors whom you didn't even know could sing like Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan suddenly, inexplicably break into song and sometimes dance. • People who don't like ABBA music. • People who have seen the stage musical version and don't want their memory of that experience ruined or who hated the stage version. • People offended by the bare backsides of men. • Meryl Streep fans who don't want to see her having fun.

Review of The Dark Knight (2008)

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DVD Release Date: 9 December 2008 (click date to purchase or pre-order)

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• EVERYONE over the age of 17. • Heath Ledger fans. • Batman fans. • Chicagoans—Second City no more! • People who don't like Batman or Batman films—this will restore your faith. • Fans of Superhero films, action films, twist films, and films that challenge your belief system. • People who think Christian Bale is the best Batman ever. • Fans of screen legends Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine who are, for some unknown reason, even more delicious and incomparable in these minor roles than ever! • People who want to be part of a revolution. • Fans of Maggie Gyllenhaal and Aaron Eckhart. • People without hope or faith in the good of the future of humankind. • People who don't want to miss the Academy Award®-winning performance for an actor in a supporting role—if Heath Ledger doesn't win it will be because critics guilt the voters into believing they are voting with their hearts for Mr. Ledger and not with their minds for what is surely one of the grandest, most tragic, most gut-wrenchingly powerful portrayals of a psychotic villain…EVER! Anyone who tells you differently or argues the point simply doesn't want to admit it for whatever personally disturbing reasons. • People who don't want to be left out of a movement that could go on to surpass Titanic as the highest grossing film of all time.

• Jaded people who will refuse to like anything that's a box-office behemoth assuming that box-office success = terrible cinema. • People whose constitution cannot tolerate a gigantic action spectacle that's super-charged on all levels. • People whose physicians have advised them against physical or mental heavy-lifting. • People who already know everything. • People who don't want to have Jack Nicholas's portrayal of the Joker diminished, wadded up into a little ball, tossed down the laundry shoot into an exploding dryer and blown to smithereens all over Gotham City. • People who don't get why Christian Bales talks so weird when he's Batman. • Die-hard Katie Holmes fans—she's been replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal. • Huge Cillian Murphy fans—he's in it for 5 seconds. • New Yorkers who always thought Gotham City was New York City—um, look again, this is Chicago, baby!

Review of American Teen (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

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• Politicians who continue to write spending bills to fund the free, public American educational system. • Tax payers who continue to vote for increased property tax referendums to improve our free, public American educational system—this is what you're paying for? • Parents and guardians of students who attend the free, public American educational system—get your eyes opened to what's going on at school and why your kid never has any homework. • Members of the University of Notre Dame Admissions Committee • Fans of Elvis impersonators. • People looking for an eye-opening documentary focusing on the decline of the American culture, educational system, and future business leaders of America. • Corporate recruiters who believe there will be workers capable of filling their job needs in the 21st century. • Independent school teachers

• Tax payers who continue to vote for increased property tax referendums to improve our free, public American educational system—this will make you sick to your stomach. • Parents and guardians of students who attend the free, public American educational system—sometimes you are better off not knowing what goes on in your kid's life outside of home or even in your home when you're not. • American Teenagers • American teenagers needing advice on teenage relationships. • Parents and guardians of American teenagers needing advice on building good relationship with their teenagers. • Fans of Elvis. • People who believe that America has never been in better shape from the ground up than now. • Public school teachers • People who think this is an ABC Family™ TV show turned into a movie. • People who think this movie is a documentary version of Superbad. • People who think Mitch Reinholt is a nice guy—you want to live with that dream and not see his true colors—remember this movie is a documentary, not an episode of "The O.C.".

Review of Meet Dave (2008)

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DVD Release Date: (not scheduled - please check back)

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• People who had given up on Eddie Murphy after Norbit. • People who love, love, love Elizabeth Banks and Gabrielle Union. • Fans of stories that feature a green persuasion to the politics. • People who enjoy a film where the bully gets taken down. • People who like a good laugh more at the expense of the situation than anything else. Eddie Murphy's comedic timing make this film which shares a lot in common with his other fish out of water, alien in America movie, Coming to America. • People who believe great comedy can also be good, clean, and foul-language free.

• People with size issues. • Fans of Marc Blucas and Scott Caan—they're each in it for about 5 minutes. • People who prefer Eddie Murphy as a donkey rather than as a spaceship. • People of right-leaning environmental and social activist perspectives. • People who drink their latte without looking. • People bored of New York City as the only city where Aliens would ever go. • People who don't like musicals and their effect on people. • The people who came up with the original title, Starship Dave. • People who don't believe there are aliens in the universe. • People without a funny bone. • People who don't like to see Police Officers being made to look like buffoons in movies.

Review of Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

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review • spoiler • premiere photos • film's website • trailer
DVD Release Date: 28 October 2008 (click date to purchase or pre-order)

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• Fans of Brendan Fraser and, especially, Josh Hutcherson. • People who've longed to travel to Iceland. • Jules Vernesians • People who loved the book. • People who love action theme park rides. • People who save every penny in jars in their houses for a rainy day. • People who think the Yo-Yo is the greatest toy ever. • People who think movies marketed to kids = bad cinematic experience for grown-ups. • Parents and guardians who like to go to the movies with their kids.

• People who have no imagination. • People who think 3D films are a hoax to extract and another $3 bucks out of filmgoers for 3D glasses. • People who want a deep and philosophical plot that takes weeks to mull and digest. • People who don't want to sit in a theatre filled with pre-teens. • People who cannot have a good time in a movie unless there's a lot of foul language, violence, blood, and mayhem. • People who don't think dino-spit dripping on your head is funny.